Delhi has everything it takes to be a clean and well-ordered city. Being the country’s capital, it does not have to go around with a begging bowl for money. Hence the wide tree-lined roads, most of them in a reasonably good shape with clearly demarcated lanes and road signage, residential colonies off rather than on the main thoroughfares, each with their little markets, high-rises an exception rather than a rule (unlike its “modern” neighbour Gurugram aka Gurgaon). One can go on. Yet, those who live there can attest to how chaotic it can be; and not just after a short, sharp shower when all hell breaks loose! So, how come? Well, meet the Curators of Chaos!
The biggest of the Curators is the Delhi Police, whose motto (which, admittedly sounds better in Hindi) is “With You, For You, Always”. They really take this seriously. If you are happily motoring down one of Delhi’s wider avenues and you suddenly run into a huge traffic jam where none has to be, you can be sure our guardian angels are at work. They have the uncanny knack of suddenly setting up a road barriers which expects all kinds of traffic – from the humble cycle to the mighty DTC bus – to slither through. The latter have it really tough because once you are through the barrier, you wonder if the buses have the Harry Potteresque ability to become snake-like as there is really no other way they could have made it. The barrier certainly suggests that the Delhi Police are living up to two parts of their motto – they are “for you” and “always” – but you only realise then that they are certainly not “with you” because the people manning the barrier are least interested in your struggles as they prefer to smoke their beedis and chat with each other instead. Even the sight of a DTC bus suddenly turning serpentine doesn’t seem to hold their interest any more – they have, clearly, seen it all!
The second Curator is rain. This remains one of the biggest mysteries to me. Every year in May and June, the Delhi government proudly announces that the city is fully prepared to meet the monsoon. That the drains have been desilted, broken ones have been repaired and all the slopes are fine – to paraphrase P G Wodehouse words, God is in His Heaven and all will be right with Delhi. Neighbouring Gurugram presumably does the same but since they do not actually have drains, it is probably easier for them. Come the first rain and chaos reigns! Delhi-ites claim to love the rain but seem to have a pathological fear of it – they immediately want to rush home at the first signs. One can imagine why the drainless denizens of Gurugram want to but so do the Delhi-ites! That is when the claims of the Delhi government are exposed, roads get flooded (and they can’t, like Mumbai, blame high tide!), Delhi Police seize the opportunity to be there for you and put up their barriers and tempers get shorter as the jams get longer! Delhi at its best!!
The third Curator is the cow. This is bound to raise the hackles of the protectors of our national animal (in case you don’t know, the lion has been consigned only to the Ashoka pillar) but any motorist will swear to it. Many of course blame the buffalo also but in defence of the latter, they prefer to pass. If you wondered about the cow’s love for hanging around in the middle of the road, allow me let you in on a secret – cows hate water! I learnt about the cow’s dislike for water (as opposed to the buffalo who is called a water buffalo because he loves to wallow in it) quite by accident when someone working on animal husbandry explained to me why giving the cow a bath was important because they themselves don’t like it. Anyway, back to Delhi. The driest place in Delhi in the monsoon is the centre of the road and so the cow, naturally, prefers to hang out there in its
calm, collected way (have you ever seen a cow panic?), completely oblivious to the chaos it has caused! Buffaloes, on the other hand, don’t see why their cousins fuss so much.
The fourth are the roadside providers of free food and refreshments, usually religious, which pop up on main roads every now on then. While I understand that few can say no to free food – and that includes me – what mystifies me is how these are allowed to come up on busy roads! So, people stop and partake and very soon, half the road is eaten by the revellers, presumably with a prayer in their minds and having their one-to-one with their God but not caring if that inconveniences anyone else.
The final one that comes to my mind are our netas with their laal battis. These great people’s representatives, who are somewhat confused about whether being elected requires them to serve or rule the people who elected them, are always on the move serving national interests and so have a right of way wherever they go. The folks who are with us, for us, always then swing into action and block off roads so that these important missions can be speedily dealt with. Admittedly, Delhi Police is getting better at reducing the disruption, but chaos does get created!
So, if you love chaos, then drive in Delhi and every wish will be fulfilled. You will achieve one of two things. One, you will get philosophical and will become Zen-like. Two, your vocabulary of Hindi and Punjabi will grow by leaps and bounds. Either way, you win!